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This is not an easy question to ask or to answer, especially when it involves looking into the past to understand, internalize and put a term of reference to what happened to a person.
Some of the things to assess about the incident would be:
To determine, as closely as possible, what exactly did happen. This can be triggering, emotionally draining and exacting. It is a good idea to do this when you are in a safe environment, and support in any form that you deem best fitting to your needs is within reach. Make notes if you think it will help. If the question is one of assault having happened in the present, a medical examination and evidence collection (saving clothing, not bathing, etc.,) can be useful steps to take.
To determine, as closely as possible, (especially if it is an incident that happened in the past) how that incident impacts you in the present. Sometimes, unhealed / unaddressed incidents of trauma one faces as in the past can continue to affect one, physically, mentally, emotionally and socially.
For many people, acknowledging what happened is the first attempt towards healing, and therefore, can be a significant step for many to take. There is no pressure to come out with your story with your identity, there is no pressure to press charges, to name the perpetrator or to even feel the need to go public with your story. That said, should you wish to come out with or without your identity, to press charges, to name the perpetrator or to go public with your story, the decision to do any or all of these remains only yours to make. Please take all the advice you need, seek recourse as you deem fit, but no one can and should force you to decide one way or the other. Labels, if any, are yours to adopt and not for anyone to foist upon you.
Here are a list of things you can consider doing if you have faced Gender-based Violence.
1. Get to safety. Call on a trusted friend or a trusted family member if you feel the need to have someone around you.
2. If you feel comfortable reporting the crime right away, notify the police right away, and report the crime with all the details you can offer up.
3. Record all the physical evidence of the attack.
4. Do not shower, bathe, douche your body, eat or drink, or brush your teeth until you have had a medical examination.
5. Take pictures of your injuries, and make sure that your pictures are taken with your face visible in it. Take one picture with the injury and the face, and a second picture zooming in on the injury.
6. Save the clothing you wore during the attack – place each item into a separate paper bag (avoid plastic at all cost).
7. Get medical care right away if you have injuries. Even if you don’t have any injuries that you can see, get a medical examination done anyway, so that you can rule out any STDs or internal injuries. Moreover, a medical examination report is a significant element in the evidence.
8. If you feel like you’ve been given a drug or intoxicated by any external drug, offer up a urine sample for testing. Most drugs are detectable in the urine more often than in the blood stream.
9. Make all the notes you can possibly remember on the circumstances of the assault. Try to put down a description of your assailant in as much detail as you can recollect. This can be a traumatic exercise, so make sure that you do this in the company of someone who cares for and supports you.
10. You could consider maintaining a picture/word journal with every instance when you were abused. So, if you have been called names, been hit, or faced any other form of abuse, make sure that everything is included in there with the date, and if possible, time of day. This way there is a record of each event.
11. Talk to a counsellor or a therapist who is trained to assist survivors of sexual violence. Counselling can help you cope with the emotional and physical impact of the assault.
Filing a case with the police with a report of sexual violence is the first step you take when you want to press charges against the one who was violent with you, abused you or threatened harm to you.
Your safety plan should help ensure your continued safety after leaving an abusive relationship. Here are some things to consider:
- Contact Details: Change locks and phone numbers. Use apps to identify callers and screen numbers you might want to avoid. Use a forwarding address for all your mail.
- Routes: Change your work hours and the route you take to work and children’s schools so that you are not followed or stalked.
- Children: Alert school authorities of the situation. Explain your situation to them and provide them with the copy of the injunction / restraining order if any.
- Restraining order: If you have a restraining order, keep a certified copy of it with you at all times and inform friends, neighbours and employers that you have a restraining order in effect.
- Change patterns; Reschedule appointments that the offender is aware of. Use different stores, movements, patterns and frequent social spots.
- Talk to people: Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by a receptionist if possible. Alert neighbours and request that they call the police if they feel you might be in danger.
- Home safety: Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors, install security systems if possible and install motion-sensitive lighting systems.
When drugs or alcohol are used to intoxicate an individual, in order to make them vulnerable by compromising their ability to offer free and full consent to sexual activity, it is called sexual assault facilitated by intoxication. It is carried out by administering substances that can:
- inhibit an individual’s mental and / or physical abilities, and/or
- prevent them from resisting, and/or
- prevent them from remembering the assault
Intoxicating substances can include everything from sleep inducing medication, to drugs and alcohol. It can be administered by anyone - a stranger or a person you know. It happens in two forms - one, where the perpetrator takes advantage of the individual’s voluntary use of drugs or alcohol, and two, where the use of drugs or alcohol is forcefully administered or administered without the individual’s knowledge. Some of the common drugs used include sleep medication, anxiety medication, tranquilizers, street drugs, rohypnol (roofie) among others. Some of these substances are hard to detect in your drink - they can be added without being detected since they do not alter the odour or colour of the beverage they are added to.
The effects on the individual may differ from drug to drug. Some may be unnoticeable, and some may be very obviously apparent immediately. It is a good idea to familiarize yourself with warning signs to watch out for, both, for yourself and for others. If you’ve been caught in a situation where you suspect you have been drugged, always be sure to call on someone you trust. If you find another person in such a situation, take steps to support them by calling on support to back you up. (Read the section on bystander intervention)
Some of the warning signs to watch out for are:
1) Difficulty in breathing, choking or suffocation
2) Feeling intoxicated
3) Loss of bladder control
4) Loss of bowel control
5) Giddiness / Dizziness / Headaches
6) Nausea
7) Sudden chills / Sudden sweats
8) Blurred vision
9) Waking with no memory, or missing large portions of memories
When one faces intoxicant-facilitated sexual assault, it is important to preserve evidence for an investigation if you choose to pursue the case to press charges. Drugs can leave the system within twelve to seventy-two hours, so it is a good idea to save urine samples in clean, sealable containers - and save them in a freezer until you get to go to a hospital. Otherwise, head to the nearest hospital and have your blood and urine tested for substances.
If you were intoxicated and faced sexual assault, it is NOT YOUR FAULT. You are not to blame for being intoxicated or for the sexual assault. You have every right to report the assault that happened to you, and you are entitled to all the care and support you need to attend to the impact of the sexual assault.
Alcohol can be an inhibitor in an individual’s physical and mental abilities - oftentimes making an individual vulnerable to assault. Legally, a person who is under the influence of alcohol is considered to be one who cannot give consent fully and freely. Given that an individual is in a vulnerable state, perpetrators can commit a crime against the individual, and in some instances, even prevent them from remembering that the assault itself did take place.
Here are some tips to stay safe in situations where drinking alcohol may be involved.
1) Stick to your group, or at the very least, know where your group is at all times. It is a good idea to keep your group of friends informed of your whereabouts, and to make sure that you designate a driver within your group to take you all home safe. It is also a good idea to keep your group informed of anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Make a back-up plan with your group, as well.
2) Be aware of what and how much you are drinking. It is a good idea to ask what you are being offered. If it seems suspicious, use your phone to Google what the ingredients are. Try to be the one to order and receive your drinks - rather than have someone (unless it is someone you absolutely trust) fetch you a drink. It is also a good idea to opt for your own drink rather than to pour yourself a portion of a large bowl of punch or a drink made in bulk.
3) Don’t leave your drink unattended. If you must go to the bathroom, dance, or perhaps even just answer a phone call, either finish your drink and then do so, or, leave your drink with a very trusted and safe individual, or, just throw it away.
4) Don’t take a drink from a person you don’t know or trust. If it is a situation where you are dependent on a person you don’t know, make sure that you are at the bar when the drink is ordered, and you watch it being mixed / poured, and take it yourself.
5) Understand how your body responds to alcohol. Sometimes, you may feel a little more intoxicated than otherwise. Sometimes, drinks can also be spiked with drugs or other drinks that do not have a tell tale smell, taste or reaction with your drink. The moment you begin to feel uncomfortable, stop drinking and rely on a trusted friend to get you out or to attend to you.
Regardless, even if you were drinking alcohol and faced sexual assault, it is NOT YOUR FAULT. You are not to blame for drinking alcohol or for the sexual assault. You have every right to report the assault that happened to you, and you are entitled to all the care and support you need to attend to the impact of the sexual assault.
- Stay away from the kitchen – the abuser can find weapons such as knives there.
- Stay away from bathrooms, closets or small spaces where they can trap you.
- Get to a room with a phone to call for help. Lock the abuser outside if you can.
- Get to a room with a door or window to escape.
- Call your local emergency number right away for help.
- Get medical help if you are hurt. Alternatively, call a helpline program or shelter and get help. Take pictures of bruises or injuries.
- Make sure to leave if you feel uncomfortable in any situation, no matter what anyone else in your friends’ circle is doing
- Ask your friends to keep their phones with them when they are with you, in case you get separated and you need help.
- If possible, go to different malls, banks, grocery stores, movie theaters and other amenities than the ones that your abuser knows about or frequents
- Do not go out alone when you feel vulnerable to abuse, especially at night.
- No matter where you go, be aware of how to leave safely in case of an emergency
- Spend time with people who make you feel safe, supported and good about yourself.
Building safe online spaces:
- Save and keep track of abusive, threatening, harassing comments, posts or texts.
- If the abuse does not stop, change your usernames, email addresses and / or numbers.
- Do not say or do anything online that you wouldn’t say in person.
- Avoid answering calls from unknown, blocked and private numbers.
- Ask your phone company to block your abuser’s number from calling your phone
- Set all your online profiles to be private to the best extent possible
- Never give your password to anyone (other than your parents / guardians if you are under 18)
- Do not communicate with your abuser using any type of technology if unnecessary, since any form of communication can be recorded and probably used against you in the future.
- Carry your cell phone and important telephone numbers with you at all times.
- Keep in touch with someone you trust about where you are and what you are doing.
- Stay out of isolated places and don’t try to walk around alone.
- Avoid places where your abuser, his / her friends and family are likely to be.
- Keep the doors and windows locked at home if you’re the only one at home.
- Call the police if your safety is at risk.
- Avoid speaking to your abuser if it is a known person. Make sure that people are around if the situation becomes dangerous.
- Carry basic first aid support with you
If you’re looking to build an emergency kit to help you as you leave a situation where you’ve faced violence or have been exposed to threats of violence, here are a few things you can consider saving in your bag. Leave your emergency bag hidden at home or with a trustworthy friend/relative. You could also have multiple bags in different locations to ensure that you can access one wherever you are. Do not leave it at your parents’ house if they are not fully behind you leaving.
This is only an indicative list. Do remember that your own needs come first, so anything you deem necessary for your safety, self-care and priorities should be part of your kit.
- Sets of spare clothes
- Clean underwear
- A toothbrush and toothpaste
- Soap
- A blanket
- Some towels
- Tissues / handkerchief
- A Swiss Knife
- Money as Cash
- ATM / Debit Cards
- Cheque Book
- Phone numbers of friends and trusted relatives you can count on
- Phone numbers and addresses of organisations which can help you
- Originals and copies of important documents (personal identification, birth certificates, passport, driver’s license, school and medical records, title deeds for your properties, insurance papers, tax returns, banking documents)
- Extra keys for your car and house
If you want to carry a safety kit with you wherever you go to deal with potential instances of violence and harassment in public spaces or other spaces you are privy to, it could comprise the following tools:
- Tissues / handkerchief
- Panic Button (tech-based or sound-based device, if you need one)
- First aid kit
- Pepper Spray (IF YOUR COUNTRY’S LAWS PERMIT IT)
- Swiss Knife
- Oral Rehydration Solution Sachets
- Zip-lock bags in different sizes to save evidence
- Sanitary pads / Tampons / Menstrual Cups
- Disposable Underwear / Clean spare underwear
- Wet Wipes
- Dry Towel
- Carry-on Water Bottle
- Notebook
- Pen / Pencils
- Permanent Marker
- Hand torch with batteries
- Spare batteries
- Spare phone with full charge
- Functional ATM Card with a PIN
- A pair of scissors
- Elastic / Rubber bands
Whether you are leaving an abusive intimate partner or domestic relationship, or are looking to get away from any situation that exposes you, leaves you vulnerable to or has traumatised you through violence and abuse, it is a good idea to hold onto all your important documents. Besides being ID proofs, these documents are also helpful if you want to press charges, create a safe space around you, invest in new housing, move to a new place, or perhaps even get a new phone connection.
Leaving an abusive relationship can be a difficult decision to make. Many women who have faced intimate partner violence or domestic violence have faced the dilemma around making a decision to get out – some of them have chosen to get out of these abusive relationships, and some have stayed.
Regardless, the choice is yours to make, and however difficult it may be to implement, remember, you are NOT alone, and there is help around you.
If you make the decision to leave, remember, you have the right to leave, and you have every right to seek help in order to do so. It is about you taking control of your mind, your body, your space and your freedom – and you have every right to do so.
It can be a difficult task to decide to leave, and it is understandably pressuring. Here are some things you can keep in mind while you embark on taking and implementing the decision to leave:
You have every right and deserve to feel safe, be safe and have that safety respected and protected. Family, relatives and intimate partners should not threaten your safety, cause you harm, threaten you with harm or even make you vulnerable to abuse of any kind – be it physical, emotional, financial, psychological, verbal or any other form of abuse.
You have every right to be in control over your life and your choices as a corollary. Your freedom over your mind, body and decisions is inviolable. Abusive relations / family members / partners are controlling – their acts of violence are targeted at you in a way so as to make you lose your control over yourself, your freedoms, your space and your personal safety. This can manifest in the form of physical or verbal or financial or emotional or psychological abuse.
In any relationship – whether familial, relational or with an intimate partner, it is important that you feel comfortable, safe and as an equal member. Experiencing vulnerability, threats, feelings of being unsafe, helplessness, a need to escape, fear, the feeling of being trapped or violated is not normal scenario in a relationship. A healthy relationship is one that you are part of without having to lose your identity and your freedoms and without being concerned for your personal safety.
It is understandable that when you face violence in a relationship, you will feel vulnerable, uncertain, fear, mistrust and even experience low confidence and self-esteem. It is not easy to deal with abuse, and to cope with the emotional and physical impact of the violence, so feeling these things is both normal and expected.
It is a good idea to talk to someone who you trust about your feelings and your decision to leave. It maybe a relative you trust, or it may be a friend, or even a counselor or therapist if you have access to one. Abuse at the hands of a relative, or a family member or an intimate partner can be traumatic and can leave you feeling a lot of mixed emotions, confusion and filled with questions. This is usually helpful because you not only have the support of a person you trust backing you up, you also have someone to turn to in order to help you actually up and leave.
When you make the decision to leave, it is a good idea to identify what you need to and want to take. In abusive relationships, the option of going back to get your stuff is not an option personally, and sending someone else is a matter of chance that may or may not work on a case to case basis. Identify all your needs, take your documents and save up enough money. Identify where you will go and what you will do next. It is a good idea to map out your strategies in advance. If you are leaving on pure chance, always go to someone you trust that you can turn to for help.
If you want to report the abuse, it is a good idea to identify who you will turn to for legal help and police support. Save all that accounts for evidence.
One option to leave is to take the help of restraining orders. This will involve taking the help of a lawyer to present your case in court under the relevant legal provisions addressing domestic violence, and upon the evaluation of the evidence you submit, you may receive a restraining order against your abusive family member.
Another option to leave is to take the help of a shelter for survivors of domestic violence or an organization committed to supporting survivors of domestic violence. Shelters can offer you financial support or a place to stay at until you sort things out, and are safe spaces in that you are not at risk to direct exposure to your abuser.
If you have children, factor them into any safety plan that you are building.
When you are preparing to leave, remember:
To keep money on your person. There is no estimate as to what sum would be best recommended, but make sure it is equal to the amount that’s enough to afford you a few nights at a decent and safe hotel, at the very least.
To make a list of trusted people you can reach out to and let at least one or two of them know of your decision. Enlist their support in any fashion you feel safe doing.
To keep an emergency bag on your person with all your documents and basic supplies.
To make a list of shelters or lawyers you might want to reach out to.
That YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT FOR LEAVING AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
That YOU ARE NOT THE GUILTY PARTY IN THIS DYNAMIC.
That YOU ARE DESERVING OF SAFETY, PEACE OF MIND AND FREEDOM FROM ABUSE AND VIOLENCE.
That YOU ARE ENTITLED TO SEEK HELP.
When you are in an abusive or violent relationship, the choice to leave or to stay is yours to make, and yours alone to make. If you decide to stay, it is important that you understand certain pointers:
- That you may be vulnerable to abuse / harm / violence
- That you must have a safety plan in place for when things get unwieldy
- That your safety remains a priority and you have the full and unconditional freedom to pursue any course of action that prioritizes your safety.
When you decide to stay on in a relationship that has been abusive, violent or a threat to your safety, here are a few things you can consider doing to ensure that your safety remains a priority:
Keep a trusted friend or relative informed of what is going on. It is important that this trusted individual is someone who listens to you without judgment and is there to support you when you need it. It is important that you let them know that you have chosen to stay, and to let them know of what is going on.
Make a list of all the options you have for an emergency situation. This involves mapping trusted friends and allies, their contact information, organizations you can reach out to for help, lawyers and medical support as well. Make note of all your available options, your escape routes and all those you can count on for support.
If you’re in a place where you don’t have clarity on whether to leave or not leave, it might help you evaluate the advantages and disadvantages of leaving and staying. It might also help you understand what kind of support you have if you leave – for some survivors, that might be a tipping point in making a decision to leave or stay. It is a good idea not to be impulsive and to take stock of all that you can count on when you make the decision to leave.
Keep an emergency bag ready – this is for any untoward or emergency situation that you find yourself in. To know what an emergency bag should contain, please refer to the section titled “Building an Emergency Kit.”
Record evidence of any abuse that you face. It is important that you document instances and save records of evidence of those instances for any time in the future that you decide to leave or seek to press charges.
If you have children, help them understand that they can speak up, and talk to someone they trust about what’s going on. Give them a code word that they can use if they’re facing an emergency and want your intervention. Remember to let them know that they can tell you anything.
Keep sharp objects, weapons, flammable substances and fire-generating devices away. It is preferable to keep them out of access at all times, or in safe places where the abusive relative or partner cannot get to. However, remember that these should be accessible in case of an emergency. Throw away any dangerous chemicals in the house and opt for softer and non-corrosive cleaning substances instead of acid. At all times, keep the police helpline on speed dial.
Make sure to a spare phone with important and trusted numbers stored in it. Keep the knowledge of this phone’s existence away from the abusive relative, as this phone can help you in an emergency to reach out for help when you most need it. Regardless, keep all phones and devices fully charged and with enough money balance if you’re on a prepaid card.
If you are in an argument or in a volatile situation with the abusive relative, make sure to move to a room that you cannot be trapped in, where there are no weapons, sharp objects or things that can be thrown at you, inflammable substances, acid, kerosene or oil.
Learn some form of self-defense to protect yourself against any harm or any threats. It is also a good way for you to gain confidence and emotional strength.
Learn up your escape routes and safe routes to get out of any space within your house that you may be confined within. It is a good idea to create ventilated spaces that are not confining or in any way capable of being manipulated into trapping you.
If you intend to stay, it is important to understand that your safety and peace of mind are a priority, and you should neither work on changing your abuser nor changing yourself for your abuser.
If your abuser wants to change their behavior sincerely, you can be a good form of support for them. It is a good idea to help him find professional help.
But, if you find yourself being threatened or harmed in any fashion, or if your behavior is being controlled by your abuser in the name of changing themselves, it is not likely that your abuser may change.
Remember to set your boundaries, and identify that you yourself have a threshold that you are entitled to – and beyond that threshold, no abuse shall be tolerated.
If your husband is a substance abuser or an addict, it is important to understand that it is NOT ONLY THE SUBSTANCE THAT MAKES HIM VIOLENT. Yes, he may become abusive when he is drunk or intoxicated, but the real problem is essentially underlying that. It is important that the addiction be addressed, but, it is just as important that the violent tendency in itself should be addressed. Both have a negative impact and are tremendously dangerous to your safety.
When you have faced abuse and violence in a relationship, you may be in a situation where you are not sure if you want to stay or to leave. It is not an easy task to make that decision – especially when you have several emotional reactions to what is happening to you, as well as physical and psychological pain to carry as a result of it. The confusion is perfectly normal and understandable. Avoid judging yourself and giving yourself harshness for having clarity.
If you find yourself in this situation, a few things you can do are as follows:
Keep a trusted friend or relative informed of what is going on. It is important that this trusted individual is someone who listens to you without judgment and is there to support you when you need it. It is important that you let them know that you have chosen to stay, and to let them know of what is going on.
Make a list of all the options you have for an emergency situation. This involves mapping trusted friends and allies, their contact information, organizations you can reach out to for help, lawyers and medical support as well.
Make note of all your available options, your escape routes and all those you can count on for support.
It might help you evaluate the advantages and disadvantages of leaving and staying.
It might also help you understand what kind of support you have if you leave – for some survivors, that might be a tipping point in making a decision to leave or stay. It is a good idea not to be impulsive and to take stock of all that you can count on when you make the decision to leave.
Keep an emergency bag ready – this is for any untoward or emergency situation that you find yourself in. To know what an emergency bag should contain, please refer to the section titled “Building an Emergency Kit.”
Record evidence of any abuse that you face. It is important that you document instances and save records of evidence of those instances for any time in the future that you decide to leave or seek to press charges.
Learn some form of self-defense to protect yourself against any harm or any threats. It is also a good way for you to gain confidence and emotional strength.
Learn up your escape routes and safe routes to get out of any space within your house that you may be confined within. It is a good idea to create ventilated spaces that are not confining or in any way capable of being manipulated into trapping you.
Regardless of the decision you make, it is important to understand that you are the one in charge, and you have complete freedom to make a decision – one way or the other.
In an intimate relationship, both parties have equal rights, and the freedom to lead their lives while remaining married, with dignity, respect, freedom, care and support without any threats, assault or deprivation of your safety and freedom.
There are no laws that specifically govern relationship dynamics and how you can navigate them when they get abusive, violent or unsafe to your interests. However, this does not mean that you have no rights. Within the space of a relationship, your individuality remains as it is and is not compromised because you are in a relationship. You have a right to say no, you have a right to get out of an abusive relationship, and to end it. You have a right to ask for help from anyone you trust in order to do so. In a relationship, you have the right to feel safe, equal and comfortable, and a threat to any of these in any form, or an attack on any of these in any form is not acceptable.
Upon ending a relationship, there are no specific legal rights like those of alimony. However, in some countries, there are legal presumptions where living together for a certain period of time is considered evidence of marriage and in such cases, there may or may not be legal rights to the parties to the relationship depending on the country’s marriage laws.