Survivor Library

Click on what you would like to read for the text to open up below

This is not an easy question to ask or to answer, especially when it involves looking into the past to understand, internalize and put a term of reference to what happened to a person.
Some of the things to assess about the incident would be:

To determine, as closely as possible, what exactly did happen. This can be triggering, emotionally draining and exacting. It is a good idea to do this when you are in a safe environment, and support in any form that you deem best fitting to your needs is within reach. Make notes if you think it will help. If the question is one of assault having happened in the present, a medical examination and evidence collection (saving clothing, not bathing, etc.,) can be useful steps to take.

To determine, as closely as possible, (especially if it is an incident that happened in the past) how that incident impacts you in the present. Sometimes, unhealed / unaddressed incidents of trauma one faces as in the past can continue to affect one, physically, mentally, emotionally and socially.

For many people, acknowledging what happened is the first attempt towards healing, and therefore, can be a significant step for many to take. There is no pressure to come out with your story with your identity, there is no pressure to press charges, to name the perpetrator or to even feel the need to go public with your story. That said, should you wish to come out with or without your identity, to press charges, to name the perpetrator or to go public with your story, the decision to do any or all of these remains only yours to make. Please take all the advice you need, seek recourse as you deem fit, but no one can and should force you to decide one way or the other. Labels, if any, are yours to adopt and not for anyone to foist upon you.

Here are a list of things you can consider doing if you have faced Gender-based Violence.

1. Get to safety. Call on a trusted friend or a trusted family member if you feel the need to have someone around you.

2. If you feel comfortable reporting the crime right away, notify the police right away, and report the crime with all the details you can offer up.

3. Record all the physical evidence of the attack.

4. Do not shower, bathe, douche your body, eat or drink, or brush your teeth until you have had a medical examination.

5. Take pictures of your injuries, and make sure that your pictures are taken with your face visible in it. Take one picture with the injury and the face, and a second picture zooming in on the injury.

6. Save the clothing you wore during the attack – place each item into a separate paper bag (avoid plastic at all cost).

7. Get medical care right away if you have injuries. Even if you don’t have any injuries that you can see, get a medical examination done anyway, so that you can rule out any STDs or internal injuries. Moreover, a medical examination report is a significant element in the evidence.

8. If you feel like you’ve been given a drug or intoxicated by any external drug, offer up a urine sample for testing. Most drugs are detectable in the urine more often than in the blood stream.

9. Make all the notes you can possibly remember on the circumstances of the assault. Try to put down a description of your assailant in as much detail as you can recollect. This can be a traumatic exercise, so make sure that you do this in the company of someone who cares for and supports you.

10. You could consider maintaining a picture/word journal with every instance when you were abused. So, if you have been called names, been hit, or faced any other form of abuse, make sure that everything is included in there with the date, and if possible, time of day. This way there is a record of each event.

11. Talk to a counsellor or a therapist who is trained to assist survivors of sexual violence. Counselling can help you cope with the emotional and physical impact of the assault.

Filing a case with the police with a report of sexual violence is the first step you take when you want to press charges against the one who was violent with you, abused you or threatened harm to you.

Should you press charges?

To press charges or not to press charges remains a decision that falls entirely within your domain to make. If you choose to press charges, remember that there is such a thing as the statute of limitations that applies. This means, that there is a window of time within which you can report a case of sexual violence. For more information on the law of limitation in different countries, look up our legal library. When you press charges, you must produce evidence of the abuse. Remember to record photographs of bruises, save copies of threatening and violent correspondences, and enlist those who can stand in as eye-witnesses, if any. It is important to remember that saving evidence of this sort must be done only if you are safe while doing so. Rely on a lawyer, or a trusted friend or family member when you are reporting the violence you faced, and have them accompany you, as well. You may need a medical examination and it is a good idea to have support by your side while you do. If you decide not to press charges, that is perfectly understandable – you may take steps to ensure that you have a route to stay safe and are not vulnerable to abuse or violence.

What happens when you report your case?

Upon reporting a case to the police, they are legally under an obligation to reduce it into writing. In some countries this is called a Police Report, in some countries, it is called a First Information Report, among other names. This record must contain your testimony in full, with information of the date, time, your identity, and any evidence you place on record. If you are being referred to medical examination, details of that are also mentioned in the report. Police action and investigation following a complaint or a report are dependent on local laws to a very large extent, but by and large, they are expected to begin an investigation, gathering of evidence, and making an arrest of the accused based on their investigation and evidence gathered. Once the person is arrested, legal proceedings can begin. Once you report the case to the police, it is a good idea to build rapport with them to facilitate follow ups, and alternatively, to even approach an organization that can help you with police follow ups. During the investigation, the police may require you to come down to the station a few times for interrogation and for information. They may also bring in people you know and are close to, as well. If the police decides not to conduct an investigation, they must indicate clear reasons why they decide thus.

Who can report a case to the police?

Across most jurisdictions, a case can be reported to the police by one of three: one, the person against whom the offence was committed (i.e., the survivor); two, any person who knows that this offence has been committed – it can be a family member, a friend or anyone; three, a person who has seen the offence while it’s being committed – as a bystander witnessing the crime.

Your safety plan should help ensure your continued safety after leaving an abusive relationship. Here are some things to consider:

- Contact Details: Change locks and phone numbers. Use apps to identify callers and screen numbers you might want to avoid. Use a forwarding address for all your mail.

- Routes: Change your work hours and the route you take to work and children’s schools so that you are not followed or stalked.

- Children: Alert school authorities of the situation. Explain your situation to them and provide them with the copy of the injunction / restraining order if any.

- Restraining order: If you have a restraining order, keep a certified copy of it with you at all times and inform friends, neighbours and employers that you have a restraining order in effect.

- Change patterns; Reschedule appointments that the offender is aware of. Use different stores, movements, patterns and frequent social spots.

- Talk to people: Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by a receptionist if possible. Alert neighbours and request that they call the police if they feel you might be in danger.

- Home safety: Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors, install security systems if possible and install motion-sensitive lighting systems.

When drugs or alcohol are used to intoxicate an individual, in order to make them vulnerable by compromising their ability to offer free and full consent to sexual activity, it is called sexual assault facilitated by intoxication. It is carried out by administering substances that can:
- inhibit an individual’s mental and / or physical abilities, and/or
- prevent them from resisting, and/or
- prevent them from remembering the assault

Intoxicating substances can include everything from sleep inducing medication, to drugs and alcohol. It can be administered by anyone - a stranger or a person you know. It happens in two forms - one, where the perpetrator takes advantage of the individual’s voluntary use of drugs or alcohol, and two, where the use of drugs or alcohol is forcefully administered or administered without the individual’s knowledge. Some of the common drugs used include sleep medication, anxiety medication, tranquilizers, street drugs, rohypnol (roofie) among others. Some of these substances are hard to detect in your drink - they can be added without being detected since they do not alter the odour or colour of the beverage they are added to.

The effects on the individual may differ from drug to drug. Some may be unnoticeable, and some may be very obviously apparent immediately. It is a good idea to familiarize yourself with warning signs to watch out for, both, for yourself and for others. If you’ve been caught in a situation where you suspect you have been drugged, always be sure to call on someone you trust. If you find another person in such a situation, take steps to support them by calling on support to back you up. (Read the section on bystander intervention)

Some of the warning signs to watch out for are:
1) Difficulty in breathing, choking or suffocation
2) Feeling intoxicated
3) Loss of bladder control
4) Loss of bowel control
5) Giddiness / Dizziness / Headaches
6) Nausea
7) Sudden chills / Sudden sweats
8) Blurred vision
9) Waking with no memory, or missing large portions of memories

When one faces intoxicant-facilitated sexual assault, it is important to preserve evidence for an investigation if you choose to pursue the case to press charges. Drugs can leave the system within twelve to seventy-two hours, so it is a good idea to save urine samples in clean, sealable containers - and save them in a freezer until you get to go to a hospital. Otherwise, head to the nearest hospital and have your blood and urine tested for substances.

If you were intoxicated and faced sexual assault, it is NOT YOUR FAULT. You are not to blame for being intoxicated or for the sexual assault. You have every right to report the assault that happened to you, and you are entitled to all the care and support you need to attend to the impact of the sexual assault.

Alcohol can be an inhibitor in an individual’s physical and mental abilities - oftentimes making an individual vulnerable to assault. Legally, a person who is under the influence of alcohol is considered to be one who cannot give consent fully and freely. Given that an individual is in a vulnerable state, perpetrators can commit a crime against the individual, and in some instances, even prevent them from remembering that the assault itself did take place.

Here are some tips to stay safe in situations where drinking alcohol may be involved.

1) Stick to your group, or at the very least, know where your group is at all times. It is a good idea to keep your group of friends informed of your whereabouts, and to make sure that you designate a driver within your group to take you all home safe. It is also a good idea to keep your group informed of anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Make a back-up plan with your group, as well.
2) Be aware of what and how much you are drinking. It is a good idea to ask what you are being offered. If it seems suspicious, use your phone to Google what the ingredients are. Try to be the one to order and receive your drinks - rather than have someone (unless it is someone you absolutely trust) fetch you a drink. It is also a good idea to opt for your own drink rather than to pour yourself a portion of a large bowl of punch or a drink made in bulk.
3) Don’t leave your drink unattended. If you must go to the bathroom, dance, or perhaps even just answer a phone call, either finish your drink and then do so, or, leave your drink with a very trusted and safe individual, or, just throw it away.
4) Don’t take a drink from a person you don’t know or trust. If it is a situation where you are dependent on a person you don’t know, make sure that you are at the bar when the drink is ordered, and you watch it being mixed / poured, and take it yourself.
5) Understand how your body responds to alcohol. Sometimes, you may feel a little more intoxicated than otherwise. Sometimes, drinks can also be spiked with drugs or other drinks that do not have a tell tale smell, taste or reaction with your drink. The moment you begin to feel uncomfortable, stop drinking and rely on a trusted friend to get you out or to attend to you.

Regardless, even if you were drinking alcohol and faced sexual assault, it is NOT YOUR FAULT. You are not to blame for drinking alcohol or for the sexual assault. You have every right to report the assault that happened to you, and you are entitled to all the care and support you need to attend to the impact of the sexual assault.

- Stay away from the kitchen – the abuser can find weapons such as knives there.
- Stay away from bathrooms, closets or small spaces where they can trap you.
- Get to a room with a phone to call for help. Lock the abuser outside if you can.
- Get to a room with a door or window to escape.
- Call your local emergency number right away for help.
- Get medical help if you are hurt. Alternatively, call a helpline program or shelter and get help. Take pictures of bruises or injuries.

- Make sure to leave if you feel uncomfortable in any situation, no matter what anyone else in your friends’ circle is doing
- Ask your friends to keep their phones with them when they are with you, in case you get separated and you need help.
- If possible, go to different malls, banks, grocery stores, movie theaters and other amenities than the ones that your abuser knows about or frequents
- Do not go out alone when you feel vulnerable to abuse, especially at night.
- No matter where you go, be aware of how to leave safely in case of an emergency
- Spend time with people who make you feel safe, supported and good about yourself.

Building safe online spaces:
- Save and keep track of abusive, threatening, harassing comments, posts or texts.
- If the abuse does not stop, change your usernames, email addresses and / or numbers.
- Do not say or do anything online that you wouldn’t say in person.
- Avoid answering calls from unknown, blocked and private numbers.
- Ask your phone company to block your abuser’s number from calling your phone
- Set all your online profiles to be private to the best extent possible
- Never give your password to anyone (other than your parents / guardians if you are under 18)
- Do not communicate with your abuser using any type of technology if unnecessary, since any form of communication can be recorded and probably used against you in the future.

- Carry your cell phone and important telephone numbers with you at all times.

- Keep in touch with someone you trust about where you are and what you are doing.

- Stay out of isolated places and don’t try to walk around alone.

- Avoid places where your abuser, his / her friends and family are likely to be. - Keep the doors and windows locked at home if you’re the only one at home.

- Call the police if your safety is at risk.

- Avoid speaking to your abuser if it is a known person. Make sure that people are around if the situation becomes dangerous.

- Carry basic first aid support with you

If you’re looking to build an emergency kit to help you as you leave a situation where you’ve faced violence or have been exposed to threats of violence, here are a few things you can consider saving in your bag. Leave your emergency bag hidden at home or with a trustworthy friend/relative. You could also have multiple bags in different locations to ensure that you can access one wherever you are. Do not leave it at your parents’ house if they are not fully behind you leaving.

This is only an indicative list. Do remember that your own needs come first, so anything you deem necessary for your safety, self-care and priorities should be part of your kit.
- Sets of spare clothes
- Clean underwear
- A toothbrush and toothpaste - Soap
- A blanket
- Some towels
- Tissues / handkerchief
- A Swiss Knife
- Money as Cash
- ATM / Debit Cards
- Cheque Book
- Phone numbers of friends and trusted relatives you can count on
- Phone numbers and addresses of organisations which can help you
- Originals and copies of important documents (personal identification, birth certificates, passport, driver’s license, school and medical records, title deeds for your properties, insurance papers, tax returns, banking documents)
- Extra keys for your car and house

If you want to carry a safety kit with you wherever you go to deal with potential instances of violence and harassment in public spaces or other spaces you are privy to, it could comprise the following tools:
- Tissues / handkerchief
- Panic Button (tech-based or sound-based device, if you need one)
- First aid kit
- Pepper Spray (IF YOUR COUNTRY’S LAWS PERMIT IT)
- Swiss Knife
- Oral Rehydration Solution Sachets
- Zip-lock bags in different sizes to save evidence
- Sanitary pads / Tampons / Menstrual Cups
- Disposable Underwear / Clean spare underwear
- Wet Wipes
- Dry Towel
- Carry-on Water Bottle
- Notebook
- Pen / Pencils
- Permanent Marker
- Hand torch with batteries
- Spare batteries
- Spare phone with full charge
- Functional ATM Card with a PIN
- A pair of scissors
- Elastic / Rubber bands

Whether you are leaving an abusive intimate partner or domestic relationship, or are looking to get away from any situation that exposes you, leaves you vulnerable to or has traumatised you through violence and abuse, it is a good idea to hold onto all your important documents. Besides being ID proofs, these documents are also helpful if you want to press charges, create a safe space around you, invest in new housing, move to a new place, or perhaps even get a new phone connection.

What ID Cards should I have with me?

Ideally, a passport and a social security identity card provided by your country’s government would be a vital ID to have. A passport will entitle you to travel outside of your country, while a social security identity card will put you on the public record system and open access to support at shelters and other agencies when you need it. Anyone can apply to get these documents, most often with the submission of an address proof and photographs, along with country-specific documentation. The timeline for you to receive these documents varies from government to government. Social security cards are free in most countries, but there is a fee to be paid while you apply for a passport. Other forms of IDs include driving licenses, ration cards, college / university IDs and work IDs. The validity of these last few IDs have different scopes in that you may not be able to use certain IDs to avail certain facilities. This can only best be evaluated on a case by case basis.

Getting an ID Card

ID Cards can be applied for and received on your own. You just need the supporting documentation and photographs as specified for your country and the requisite fee (if it is a passport). You can apply for it without your abusive relative or partner or family member knowing. There are enrolment centres and even organizations that support you through the process – though the latter may charge a fee.

Banking, Finances and Saving Money A bank account is always a good way to ensure that you retain some money in your savings, to help you as a contingency step. Savings accounts are ideal for private citizens, allowing you to save up by depositing money at any point. In savings accounts, though, there may be limits on how much you can withdraw on a monthly basis. One advantage of savings accounts is that you do gain some interest on your savings. Current accounts are general-use accounts, from where you can withdraw any number of times, but will not be able to earn an interest over. Both accounts have ATM (automated teller machine) or Debit Cards.

To open a bank account, you will need to approach a bank and fill out a form, submit your ID proofs and photographs and a basic, minimum amount that your account must have at all times in order to exist if it is a savings account. Each bank has its own documentation, but the good part is that you have guidance and support from the staff at most banks. Some banks also let you apply for an account online through forms on their website. Some banks also give you a specimen signature card to record your signature, which will be used for future withdrawals outside of the ATM. Bank accounts can be opened anywhere between two days to two weeks, depending on the banks and the countries themselves. Applications are processed immediately, and your account numbers may be issued within a day or two. One would have to wait about seven to ten business days to receive a debit card and other account information in the mail.

Money can be deposited in the bank as cash or through a cheque, in which case you need to go to the bank and ask for a deposit slip. Fill out the deposit slip and indicate your account number, your name, date and signature, and remit the amount to the banker to deposit the money. Details of the amount in cash or the cheque (including cheque number) will have to be filled. Another option to deposit money is to ask the person who is paying you or giving you the money, to deposit the amount in your account through Net Banking, or Internet Banking. You will need to give this person your bank account number, your account name, and the routing code.

How to use an ATM

When you have a savings or current account, you are given a Debit Card or an ATM Card with it. This card always has a PIN (Personal Identification Number) attached with it. When you create an account, the bank generates a PIN for you and teaches you how to change it to something you are familiar with. This is like your email password – something that only you know about. Make note of your ATM PIN in a safe place that only you can retrieve it from, and try to commit it to your memory, too. To draw money, all you need to do is to visit an ATM, go to a machine that’s unoccupied. Place your card inside the holder, and enter your PIN. Some ATM machines will let you withdraw your card immediately. You will be asked to enter the amount you want to withdraw, follow through and the money is counted and placed on a tray below. Collect the amount. You will be prompted to decide whether you want a printed receipt or not. Choose as you wish, and make sure to take your card if this machine hasn’t had the option for you to withdraw your card earlier in the process. Leave the cubicle only after seeing the machine return to the welcome screen.

Leaving an abusive relationship can be a difficult decision to make. Many women who have faced intimate partner violence or domestic violence have faced the dilemma around making a decision to get out – some of them have chosen to get out of these abusive relationships, and some have stayed.

Regardless, the choice is yours to make, and however difficult it may be to implement, remember, you are NOT alone, and there is help around you.

If you make the decision to leave, remember, you have the right to leave, and you have every right to seek help in order to do so. It is about you taking control of your mind, your body, your space and your freedom – and you have every right to do so.

It can be a difficult task to decide to leave, and it is understandably pressuring. Here are some things you can keep in mind while you embark on taking and implementing the decision to leave:

You have every right and deserve to feel safe, be safe and have that safety respected and protected. Family, relatives and intimate partners should not threaten your safety, cause you harm, threaten you with harm or even make you vulnerable to abuse of any kind – be it physical, emotional, financial, psychological, verbal or any other form of abuse.

You have every right to be in control over your life and your choices as a corollary. Your freedom over your mind, body and decisions is inviolable. Abusive relations / family members / partners are controlling – their acts of violence are targeted at you in a way so as to make you lose your control over yourself, your freedoms, your space and your personal safety. This can manifest in the form of physical or verbal or financial or emotional or psychological abuse.

In any relationship – whether familial, relational or with an intimate partner, it is important that you feel comfortable, safe and as an equal member. Experiencing vulnerability, threats, feelings of being unsafe, helplessness, a need to escape, fear, the feeling of being trapped or violated is not normal scenario in a relationship. A healthy relationship is one that you are part of without having to lose your identity and your freedoms and without being concerned for your personal safety.

It is understandable that when you face violence in a relationship, you will feel vulnerable, uncertain, fear, mistrust and even experience low confidence and self-esteem. It is not easy to deal with abuse, and to cope with the emotional and physical impact of the violence, so feeling these things is both normal and expected.

It is a good idea to talk to someone who you trust about your feelings and your decision to leave. It maybe a relative you trust, or it may be a friend, or even a counselor or therapist if you have access to one. Abuse at the hands of a relative, or a family member or an intimate partner can be traumatic and can leave you feeling a lot of mixed emotions, confusion and filled with questions. This is usually helpful because you not only have the support of a person you trust backing you up, you also have someone to turn to in order to help you actually up and leave.

When you make the decision to leave, it is a good idea to identify what you need to and want to take. In abusive relationships, the option of going back to get your stuff is not an option personally, and sending someone else is a matter of chance that may or may not work on a case to case basis. Identify all your needs, take your documents and save up enough money. Identify where you will go and what you will do next. It is a good idea to map out your strategies in advance. If you are leaving on pure chance, always go to someone you trust that you can turn to for help.

If you want to report the abuse, it is a good idea to identify who you will turn to for legal help and police support. Save all that accounts for evidence. One option to leave is to take the help of restraining orders. This will involve taking the help of a lawyer to present your case in court under the relevant legal provisions addressing domestic violence, and upon the evaluation of the evidence you submit, you may receive a restraining order against your abusive family member.

Another option to leave is to take the help of a shelter for survivors of domestic violence or an organization committed to supporting survivors of domestic violence. Shelters can offer you financial support or a place to stay at until you sort things out, and are safe spaces in that you are not at risk to direct exposure to your abuser.

If you have children, factor them into any safety plan that you are building. When you are preparing to leave, remember:
To keep money on your person. There is no estimate as to what sum would be best recommended, but make sure it is equal to the amount that’s enough to afford you a few nights at a decent and safe hotel, at the very least.
To make a list of trusted people you can reach out to and let at least one or two of them know of your decision. Enlist their support in any fashion you feel safe doing.
To keep an emergency bag on your person with all your documents and basic supplies.
To make a list of shelters or lawyers you might want to reach out to.
That YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT FOR LEAVING AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
That YOU ARE NOT THE GUILTY PARTY IN THIS DYNAMIC.
That YOU ARE DESERVING OF SAFETY, PEACE OF MIND AND FREEDOM FROM ABUSE AND VIOLENCE.
That YOU ARE ENTITLED TO SEEK HELP.

When you are in an abusive or violent relationship, the choice to leave or to stay is yours to make, and yours alone to make. If you decide to stay, it is important that you understand certain pointers:
- That you may be vulnerable to abuse / harm / violence
- That you must have a safety plan in place for when things get unwieldy
- That your safety remains a priority and you have the full and unconditional freedom to pursue any course of action that prioritizes your safety.

When you decide to stay on in a relationship that has been abusive, violent or a threat to your safety, here are a few things you can consider doing to ensure that your safety remains a priority:

Keep a trusted friend or relative informed of what is going on. It is important that this trusted individual is someone who listens to you without judgment and is there to support you when you need it. It is important that you let them know that you have chosen to stay, and to let them know of what is going on. Make a list of all the options you have for an emergency situation. This involves mapping trusted friends and allies, their contact information, organizations you can reach out to for help, lawyers and medical support as well. Make note of all your available options, your escape routes and all those you can count on for support.

If you’re in a place where you don’t have clarity on whether to leave or not leave, it might help you evaluate the advantages and disadvantages of leaving and staying. It might also help you understand what kind of support you have if you leave – for some survivors, that might be a tipping point in making a decision to leave or stay. It is a good idea not to be impulsive and to take stock of all that you can count on when you make the decision to leave.

Keep an emergency bag ready – this is for any untoward or emergency situation that you find yourself in. To know what an emergency bag should contain, please refer to the section titled “Building an Emergency Kit.”

Record evidence of any abuse that you face. It is important that you document instances and save records of evidence of those instances for any time in the future that you decide to leave or seek to press charges.

If you have children, help them understand that they can speak up, and talk to someone they trust about what’s going on. Give them a code word that they can use if they’re facing an emergency and want your intervention. Remember to let them know that they can tell you anything.

Keep sharp objects, weapons, flammable substances and fire-generating devices away. It is preferable to keep them out of access at all times, or in safe places where the abusive relative or partner cannot get to. However, remember that these should be accessible in case of an emergency. Throw away any dangerous chemicals in the house and opt for softer and non-corrosive cleaning substances instead of acid. At all times, keep the police helpline on speed dial.

Make sure to a spare phone with important and trusted numbers stored in it. Keep the knowledge of this phone’s existence away from the abusive relative, as this phone can help you in an emergency to reach out for help when you most need it. Regardless, keep all phones and devices fully charged and with enough money balance if you’re on a prepaid card.

If you are in an argument or in a volatile situation with the abusive relative, make sure to move to a room that you cannot be trapped in, where there are no weapons, sharp objects or things that can be thrown at you, inflammable substances, acid, kerosene or oil.

Learn some form of self-defense to protect yourself against any harm or any threats. It is also a good way for you to gain confidence and emotional strength.

Learn up your escape routes and safe routes to get out of any space within your house that you may be confined within. It is a good idea to create ventilated spaces that are not confining or in any way capable of being manipulated into trapping you.

If you intend to stay, it is important to understand that your safety and peace of mind are a priority, and you should neither work on changing your abuser nor changing yourself for your abuser.

If your abuser wants to change their behavior sincerely, you can be a good form of support for them. It is a good idea to help him find professional help.

But, if you find yourself being threatened or harmed in any fashion, or if your behavior is being controlled by your abuser in the name of changing themselves, it is not likely that your abuser may change.

Remember to set your boundaries, and identify that you yourself have a threshold that you are entitled to – and beyond that threshold, no abuse shall be tolerated.

If your husband is a substance abuser or an addict, it is important to understand that it is NOT ONLY THE SUBSTANCE THAT MAKES HIM VIOLENT. Yes, he may become abusive when he is drunk or intoxicated, but the real problem is essentially underlying that. It is important that the addiction be addressed, but, it is just as important that the violent tendency in itself should be addressed. Both have a negative impact and are tremendously dangerous to your safety.

When you have faced abuse and violence in a relationship, you may be in a situation where you are not sure if you want to stay or to leave. It is not an easy task to make that decision – especially when you have several emotional reactions to what is happening to you, as well as physical and psychological pain to carry as a result of it. The confusion is perfectly normal and understandable. Avoid judging yourself and giving yourself harshness for having clarity.
If you find yourself in this situation, a few things you can do are as follows:

Keep a trusted friend or relative informed of what is going on. It is important that this trusted individual is someone who listens to you without judgment and is there to support you when you need it. It is important that you let them know that you have chosen to stay, and to let them know of what is going on.

Make a list of all the options you have for an emergency situation. This involves mapping trusted friends and allies, their contact information, organizations you can reach out to for help, lawyers and medical support as well.

Make note of all your available options, your escape routes and all those you can count on for support.

It might help you evaluate the advantages and disadvantages of leaving and staying.

It might also help you understand what kind of support you have if you leave – for some survivors, that might be a tipping point in making a decision to leave or stay. It is a good idea not to be impulsive and to take stock of all that you can count on when you make the decision to leave.

Keep an emergency bag ready – this is for any untoward or emergency situation that you find yourself in. To know what an emergency bag should contain, please refer to the section titled “Building an Emergency Kit.”

Record evidence of any abuse that you face. It is important that you document instances and save records of evidence of those instances for any time in the future that you decide to leave or seek to press charges.

Learn some form of self-defense to protect yourself against any harm or any threats. It is also a good way for you to gain confidence and emotional strength. Learn up your escape routes and safe routes to get out of any space within your house that you may be confined within. It is a good idea to create ventilated spaces that are not confining or in any way capable of being manipulated into trapping you.

Regardless of the decision you make, it is important to understand that you are the one in charge, and you have complete freedom to make a decision – one way or the other.

In an intimate relationship, both parties have equal rights, and the freedom to lead their lives while remaining married, with dignity, respect, freedom, care and support without any threats, assault or deprivation of your safety and freedom.

There are no laws that specifically govern relationship dynamics and how you can navigate them when they get abusive, violent or unsafe to your interests. However, this does not mean that you have no rights. Within the space of a relationship, your individuality remains as it is and is not compromised because you are in a relationship. You have a right to say no, you have a right to get out of an abusive relationship, and to end it. You have a right to ask for help from anyone you trust in order to do so. In a relationship, you have the right to feel safe, equal and comfortable, and a threat to any of these in any form, or an attack on any of these in any form is not acceptable.

Upon ending a relationship, there are no specific legal rights like those of alimony. However, in some countries, there are legal presumptions where living together for a certain period of time is considered evidence of marriage and in such cases, there may or may not be legal rights to the parties to the relationship depending on the country’s marriage laws.

Your rights within Marriage

Within a marriage, both parties have equal rights, and the freedom to lead their lives while remaining married, with dignity, respect, freedom, care and support without any threats, assault or deprivation of your safety and freedom. Laws are made to protect parties to a marriage in situations where a spouse faces abuse or violence or threats of abuse or violence at the hands of the other. In most countries, the spousal violence laws are generally offered in favour of women – although all genders can be at the receiving end of violence at the hand of the spouse.

When a marriage gets abusive or violent, you have the right to leave the marriage, end it, or even choose to work with your partner with the help of a therapist, a counsellor or any trusted and experienced practitioner. Regardless, anything that you do should be a consequence of your informed choice being the basis of your decision.

If you want to legally end your marriage owing to abuse or violence, one option is to seek legal help and file for a divorce or annulment of the marriage by initiating legal proceedings. Usually, annulment is provided by courts in some countries where a marriage is void or voidable. A divorce is sought where a marriage is voidable, often due to changed circumstances between the parties. A void marriage is one that is outright illegal and prohibited by the law, and therefore is automatically annulled.

A voidable marriage is one where an annulment is sought by either party on grounds such as bigamy, impotency, lack of mental capacity, lack of age of consent, marriage obtained by fraud or marriage obtained by force. In some countries, an irretrievable breakdown of the marriage, cruelty to the spouse, adultery and domestic violence can form the basis of an annulment or divorce. There is also a ground for divorce on mutual consent, where both parties agree to end the marriage.

When you seek a divorce, and especially if you are not earning, and / or have children whose custody is with you, you are entitled to seek alimony from your ex-spouse which is calculated based on facts and circumstances involved, and determined by the court.

Dealing with online tracking

When you are online, there are technologies that are working to collect your data. This can be done through email providers, apps on your phones and tablets, search engines, your browsers and the messengers associated with your social media accounts. This information can be rather dangerous in the hands of your abuser – and can be used to affect your privacy, your identity and your space online.

Sometimes this information may be collected when you provide it yourself – such as when you sign up or register to be part of something, or when you send emails and pictures because they transmit data like the location, time and details of the sender and receiver. Sometimes, this information can be collected without you knowing – such as data from your phone like your WiFi signals or GPS locations of all the places you’ve visited, or even your browser history. Some ways to deal with this so that you reduce the extent of your vulnerability while you’re online are as follows:

- Stay signed out if you’re done with your work on a social media site
- Use browser extensions or alter your browser settings to block tracking
- Be mindful of what you share and with whom on social media
- Check your devices periodically for spyware
- Change your passwords regularly to secure ones that can’t be guessed all that easily

Get smart with your passwords

- Avoid using birthdates, phone numbers and bank account numbers as passwords
- Get clever with your passwords – don’t stick to hackneyed combinations
- Avoid using the same password across all / multiple accounts
- Avoid letting your browser save your password
- A good idea is to opt for a pass-phrase / pass-sentence rather than a password
- Create a robust combination of letters, symbols and numbers.
- Use a two-factor authentication if the platform permits it – this will help you sign in using your password and a secondary piece of data – usually, a one-time password that goes into your phone or email ID.

Browser Protection

- A good way to see if your browser is safe or not is to head over to Panopticlick and check on what safeguards it has in place for you.

- When you’re browsing online, make sure to place a piece of coloured tape over your webcam so that you cannot be seen – should anyone remotely be accessing your camera.

- Use the “Do Not Track” option for your browser. If you are on Google Chrome, go to Settings, click on Advanced Settings, head to Privacy and check the box that says “Send Do Not Track request with your browser traffic.” If you are on Firefox, head over to Options, click on Privacy and then head to “Manage your Do Not Track Settings.” On Safari, go to Menu, select Preferences, then Privacy, and then Website tracking, and check the box against “Ask websites not to track me.” If you’re using Internet Explorer, go to Tools, select safety, and then turn on tracking protection, where you check “Enable.” An alternative is to use browsers that automatically block ads and trackers, such as Brave and Tor.

- Search engines like DuckDuckGo and StartPage do not track their users. You can use this to avoid being tracked for what you search for.

- Private Browsing can also help remain undiscovered. If you’re using Google Chrome, opt for Incognito Mode. It prevents Google Chrome from saving a record of what you visit and download. If you’re using Firefox or Safari, use a New Private Window. For Internet Explorer, the option is to go InPrivate. It helps prevent Internet Explorer from storing data about your browsing session.

• Virtual Private Networks: Using VPNs or Virtual Private Networks can help you disguise your IP address, and encrypt all of your internet traffic so that no one can find out what you’re seeing online. Some free VPNs include OkayFreedom (but it supports ads!) and TunnelBear.

• Use Browser Extensions: Browser extensions, also called add-ons and plug-ins, can help you extend or customize your browser to suit your needs. You can use add-ons that specifically block third parties from tracking your activities – but be very careful about what add-ons you choose, and go for credible ones, so as not to wind up adding a malicious / spy add-on. Some useful add-ons are: “HTTPS Everywhere” which secures and encrypts your internet traffic; “Privacy Badger” which blocks tracking cookies and “uBlock Origin,” which blocks ads.

• Erase your browsing history: You can also make sure that no one follows your session online spying on what you looked up, by erasing your browser history. This is especially useful if you have used a regular browser (as opposed to an in-private browsing / incognito browsing approach) in a public computer.

• Use privacy settings in Social Media & Devices: Social media platforms come with privacy and security options. If you are on Facebook, start with the privacy settings to assess where you stand. Facebook gives you three options – “Who can see my stuff?” , “Who can contact me?” and “How do I stop someone from bothering me?” It also lets you pick a two-factor authentication. Each has a set of options you can work with to create a private account. Twitter lets you pick a two-factor authentication, determine who can tag you, and even protect your tweets. You can also mute, block and report handles that are bothering you.

Devices Protection

- Disable your location to remain undiscovered. If you are using an Android phone, switch off Wireless and GPS location under “Location Services” and mobile data under Settings, then Personal and then, Location. If you’re using an iPhone, switch off Wireless and GPS location by going to Settings, then Privacy and then Location Services, and either turn off all Location Services using the Location Services slider or use the individual sliders for each location-aware app or item on your device. To disable Location Services for all websites, turn off Location Services for the Safari app.

Messenger Apps

Messenger apps such as WhatsApp and Signal offer end-to-end encryption, which means that you and those you chat with are the only ones who get to read and see the content of your messages. However, meta data, or just data about the data you share, is collected and stored.

How to report content and accounts on Social Media:

While the process of reporting may vary from platform to platform, it typically remains true that most platforms allow the person reporting to retain their privacy absolutely – in that no information of theirs is shared when a report is made. Here is an explanation of how you can report abuse or harassment across a couple of prominent social media platforms online.

Twitter:

To report a profile for violation on Twitter, open the profile you’d like to report. Select the overflow icon (three dots in a vertical line) or tap the gear icon. Select “Report” and then select the type of issue you’d like to report. If you select “They’re being abusive or harmful,” you will be asked to provide additional information about the issue you’re reporting. You may be asked to select specific additional Tweets from the account you’re reporting so that Twitter has a better context to evaluate the report. Once the report has been submitted, Twitter will offer recommendations for additional actions you can take.
To report an individual Tweet, navigate to the Tweet you’d like to report, then, click on the icon located at the top of the Tweet, and select “Report Tweet.” If you select “They’re being abusive or harmful,” you will be asked to provide additional information about the issue you’re reporting. You may be asked to select specific additional Tweets from the account you’re reporting so that Twitter has a better context to evaluate the report. Once the report has been submitted, Twitter will offer recommendations for additional actions you can take.
To report a Direct Message, click the Direct Message conversation and find the message you’d like to flag. Hover over the message and click the report icon when it appears. Select “Report @username.” If you select “They’re being abusive or harmful,” you will be asked to provide additional information about the issue you’re reporting. You may be asked to select specific additional Tweets from the account you’re reporting so that Twitter has a better context to evaluate the report. Once the report has been submitted, Twitter will offer recommendations for additional actions you can take.
To report a Tweet in a Moment for violations, navigate to the tweet within the moment that you want to report. Click or tap the icon click or tap “report tweet.” Choose the type of issue you’d like to report. Once you’ve submitted the report, Twitter provides recommendations for actions you can take.
To report multiple components of a moment for violations, visit the moments reporting form, enter the Moment URL that you would like to report. Select the type of issue you’d like to report and offer up to five tweets within the moment that may be in violation. Once you’ve submitted your report, Twitter will offer recommendations for actions you can take.

Facebook:

To report a profile, go to the profile you want to report, in the bottom right of the cover photo, click and select Report, and then follow the on-screen instructions. To report a post, click on the top right of the post, click “report post” or “report photo,” and select the option that best describes the issue and follow the on-screen instructions.
To report something someone posted on your timeline, in the top right of the post, click “report post” or “report photo” and select the option that best describes the issue and follow the on-screen instructions.
To report a photo or video, click on the photo or video to expand it. Hover over the photo or video and click “options” in the bottom-right corner, and click “report photo” for photos or “report video” for videos. Select the option that best describes the issue and follow the on-screen instructions. If you want to report a message you received, fill out this form.
To report a page, go to the page you want to report, click below the page's cover photo and select “Report Page.” Choose the option that best describes the issue and follow the on-screen instructions.
To report something you see in a group, find the post you want to report and click “story options” in the top right. Select “Report to Admin” to report the post to an admin, or select “Report Post” to send the report to Facebook. If you choose to report the post to an admin, the admin will know that you reported it. Admins may or may not choose to remove the post or block the person who shared the post. Reporting a post to an admin won't send a report to Facebook. If you want to report something you can't see, use this link.

Instagram:

If you don't have an Instagram account, you can report abuse, spam or anything else that doesn't follow the Community Guidelines using this form. If you have an Instagram account, report abuse, spam or anything else that doesn't follow our Community Guidelines from within the app. To report a post, tap the three dots in a line above the post, and then tap “Report.” Follow the on-screen instructions to navigate the steps ahead. To report a profile, tap the three dots in a line in the top right of the profile, tap “Report.” Follow the on-screen instructions that follow. If you want to report inappropriate comments, tap below the post, swipe left over the comment you'd like to report, tap Spam or Scam or Abusive Content, and select an option for why the comment is abusive. When you report an inappropriate comment, your report is anonymous, so your information is never shared with the person who has posted the comment. If someone leaves an inappropriate comment on your post, you can also delete it.